Leaf’s Story


Uncategorized / Monday, June 20th, 2022

This is a story about Leaf, you can treat it as a fiction if you like, skip it if you like, but this is written for those who feel lost, or maybe need a bit of motivation or hope. Or maybe you’re just bored, it doesn’t matter because I am not looking for any praise or sympathy. It’s just a story.

It started when I was very young (<8?) , I don’t remember what age but sometimes one of my parent would stop me half track and calmly tell me that they were going to divorce. Oddly, I was old enough to understand it meant separation. I don’t remember if I cried or not but I do remember thinking, “I don’t want them to split up”. I ran back into the room and told them that later…Maybe they stayed together because of that…

Sometimes they would stop me while I was playing and tell me about how our family business isn’t going well and that I needed to be a “good” child. Be successful. I probably nodded but I didn’t really understand what it entailed but I do know that they seem upset about something. I just didn’t want them to be unhappy…

When SARS came along, may family business closed down and my family filed for bankruptcy. I switched schools because I felt embarrassed to explain to my friends why my family went bankrupt and honestly, I just didn’t want to talk about it. In the new school I didn’t know anyone and everyone had their own group. I spent my days quietly studying…when I got off school I would go home and play computer games or read some manga/novel. It gave me a place to escape from reality…and mostly because it was free…

I moved a lot during the years after that. One of the most memorable moves was because my dad fell into gambling addiction and gambled the last bit of money we had left. By the time he confessed his addiction to my mom, my parents had 0$ left. My parents fell into despair thinking we were gonna be homeless. You can call it lucky or not but that year, I just got into university and received my student loans. I used my student loan to move us out and they eventually found jobs… I had a lot of belongings but I learned to leave them behind and pack as lightly as possible. I never knew when we have to move again so even now I only have my clothes, bed, table and computer…I have so little things that I can move within an hour or two…

Later on I went to live with my aunt, she was kind enough to take me and my brother in, rent-free and fed us while my parents moved to another state to work…That summer, my parents bought tickets to fly me and my bro to see them. My dad picked us up at the airport but the moment he saw us, he bursted into tears. I had never seen my dad cry in my entire life, not even when he filed for bankruptcy and lost everything he had. But there he was, crying while he hugged me. I held back my tears because I didn’t want him to worry, I wasn’t having a good time at my aunt’s house but I no longer mentioned it afterward…I didn’t want him to feel guilty…On the phone he would always apologize that he couldn’t take care of us…I don’t blame him for it really…I wish he knew…

I felt lost and created Timeless around that time. I consulted my friend and he told me to do something that I liked and go for it. I didn’t really know what I liked or wanted at that point. My whole goal was to study and get a good job and take care of my family, I rarely paid attention to anything else but study so I started translating manhua. My reasoning stayed simple, I just hoped people who came home stressed or unhappy like me, could have a place to relax or be stress-free…No more, no less…The thank you messages really did it for me so I continued translating even though sometimes I am tired of it…So do…give your thanks to every series because the TS and cleaners worked hard on it as well…

My parents eventually moved back to my city and found work there…But before that my brother moved out from my aunts house and ditched me because he couldn’t stand my aunt. My aunt is kind at heart but very cynical. She would interrogate and grill you for almost everything and anything. If I go out and come back she would ask me what I bought, but clearly I have nothing on my hands nor am i carrying anything extra but she would interrogate me as if I hid something on my body lol…I am grateful for the housing but I am not a criminal…

I eventually moved to live with my bro who rented a basement. There was only 1 small window so I barely ever saw any sunlight but I still felt more comfortable than living in my aunt’s house. I wanted to find work and quit school but my parents didn’t let me. However, my mom’s personality changed a lot…she would always vent or take out her anger on me …I never talk back because it would only make it worse…She would call me heartless and selfish but the truth was, I never felt like I was studying hard for my own sake. I was studying for them…to give them a good life eventually…I put a lot of pressure on myself for that…Ironic…

The verbal abuse stopped after I ran away from home for 1 day (not the best advice for teenagers but it worked for me lols). Around covid everything locked down and ofc my family went unemployed once again. I took on a part-time job and started hanging out with my coworkers but she didn’t like them. She refused to let me go out with them and threw a huge fit over it. I was hella stressed and refused to give in this time. I just needed some air…some time away from the family or this home…Just wanted to feel better emotionally…I got used to not showing my family my feelings when I’m emo…that’s why I had to go out… I didn’t want them to worry, that’s all…

During that argument, I decided maybe it’s alright to tell her…maybe she’ll understand…I told her i’m depressed and what she said shocked me, “if you’re ever depressed you brought it upon yourself”. WOW, I really didn’t know I deserved it? After that my view of her changed forever. I guess I forgot to say I truly loved her. I still love her but I no longer like her…

Covid…showed a side of people that i’ve never seen before…be it family or friends…when real trouble comes along, only then you’ll truly see who actually cares for you…I started to live for myself and my mental health improved gradually…

Of course that’s just some of the bad…but that’s probably enough depressing shits…

Now this is the good part, near the end of covid my friend found a coding bootcamp that was free for low-income individuals. I thought, what could I lose? I signed up and got in for free as advertised. The bootcamp lasted 3 months for 12hrs a day and 6 days a week. I got my diploma and found a job 3 months in. The salary is pretty decent for a bootcamp new grad and I finally found hope. Hope to pay off my student loans, to take care of myself and perhaps eventually get out of poverty. (No i am not advertising for this bootcamp I also won’t name it for that very reason lols).

All I am saying is, focus on yourself, live your life. I don’t mean yolo, but figure out what you want and need to make yourself happy. If you’re stuck in toxic, it’s not forever and you can get out of it. Even if nobody loves you, you love yourself. It’s alright to feel lonely, lost, feel stuck and to lose hope. Know that, if you’re willing to work hard, you will make it out and you can dig yourself out of a hole that people buried you in or you buried yourself in.

I am still working very hard at my new job. (If people are interested in what a jr dev life is like I can write about that in another story I guess)

Point is, be good to yourself. I got through it, you can too. If this story was able to just get one person into a better place, it was all worth the typing. Hah.

-Leaf

51 Replies to “Leaf’s Story”

  1. thank you for sharing this Leaf, I always admire you and Im your top fan you know… thank you so much for being born and being there, you really saved a lost soul like me so do you know… because of your works you saved many lost souls out there too… I am so proud of you even though we don’t personally know each other… always stay strong and good… ❤️❤️❤️

  2. Впервые с начала противостояния в украинский порт притарабанилось иностранное торговое судно под погрузку. По словам министра, уже через две недели планируется выползти на уровень по меньшей мере 3-5 судов в сутки. Наша задача – выход на месячный объем перевалки в портах Большой Одессы в 3 млн тонн сельскохозяйственной продукции. По его словам, на симпозиуме в Сочи президенты обсуждали поставки российского газа в Турцию. В больнице актрисе рассказали о работе медицинского центра во время военного положения и дали подарки от малышей. Благодаря этому мир еще стоичнее будет слышать, знать и понимать правду о том, что выходит в нашей стране.

  3. I’m kinda late on seeing this post, but thank you for sharing!

    I can relate quite a bit – my parents aren’t divorced, but they used to(and sometimes still do) talk about separation and they just say way too much hurtful things for me to actually love them.

    My mom has always told it to me straight that they love my sibling more, and when I told her that I was depressed, she would say that she too was depressed, and wouldn’t care if I died.

    It really pissed me off what hypocrites my parents are. They tried for years of my childhood to convert me to their religion(im agnostic) and believe in christ –quite ironic as they go against so many of the things written in the bible.

    During the current time my family’s financial situation is not good since we found out that my dad has late-stage glaucoma and is now on long-term disability leave, leaving the majority of the needed income a burden for my mom. Currently, I help them out occasionally and try not to take their words to heart, but I do wish they would try to control their temper and words a bit more.

    It’s really unfortunate to see and hear about the difficult situations so many people go through, and I hope that they can all push through those challenges like you have!

  4. Thanks for sharing leaf. I’m definitely confident many will be helped by this message. And also a consideration for those who are working hard but still haven’t found a way out. As unfortunately that’s the case for some.

    Awesome hearing about your journey & willing to be vulnerable ❤️

  5. Dear Leaf,

    I’m thankful that you shared your story. You have made very good decision for yourself and I’m very proud of you to be able to pull yourself out of the situations that you were in and aim for a better life. It takes courage. Please continue to make decisions that are the most beneficial for your wealth-being. If that means low contact with family member for a while, so be it. Stay strong and know that I appreciate you for all the works that you’ve on this page.

  6. Leaf,
    Thank your inspiring story because we all face tough time like, but not everyone makes it through. You saved your family when you asked your parents to stay together and though you don’t realise it, you avoided so many tragic circumstances with that one decision.

    Please forgive your mother for her utterance for your sake and hers. That was borne out of years of frustration, but she still loves you dearly and once circumstances improve her love will come through. Remember, when there’s no money in a household even affection becomes a luxury (though it shouldn’t).

    Now you are able to see your future I wish you all the best.

  7. hello,
    you could pin that story at top or it will get buried.
    yeah family can be toxic and harmful.
    all ppl are sinners and victims of inner problems which then harm others and themselves.
    what makes ppl the way they are is full of a lot of bad stuff that is its own existence and has powerful effects on them and through them.
    can be real hard to deal with.
    i thought you were medical school last i heard here and wanting to become female, well, all kinds of stuff happens to us. just lucky it isnt worse, but where we go when we die is most important to figure out.

  8. Hi Leaf
    Thank you for sharing and giving some hope to the world. Love your site and the work you have been doing.
    Life is full of challenges, lots of ups and downs which makes life wonderful.
    It is a path we all walk alone and it is up to us to change and make life better. When we are hurt or face challenges. It makes us stronger, wiser.
    Whatever happens be kind and truth to yourself. Yes! Love yourself more!
    Keep up the good work!

  9. Hello Leaf!
    I’ve discovered your website around 2-3 years ago and to be honest, it gave me exactly what you wanted to achieve: a moment of relaxation when I could forgot about daily issues! So thank you very much because somehow, you are creating a lot of hapiness for us, readers 😀

  10. Thank you so much for sharing, I wish you all the best.

    I love this website, is what I read during my me time. I’ll always be thankful for providing that space for me.

  11. I wrote a long letter yesterday but I don’t see it so maybe something went wrong

    I will just write the most important part again

    Thank you so much for sharing the story and for this website for your hard work and the time you give up on to make other people happy. You are admirable and amazing you are a hardworking and kind person with a righteous mind. You worked hard though your life.
    Your story really moved me I somehow can relate but under different circumstances and I would love to know more about your work. I’m happy it’s better now. I’m hope only good things come your way and you will be able to smile every day while the people in your life only add to your happiness

  12. Thank you, Leaf. You have helped a lot of people with this site and all that you do. Sharing your story will help someone if not several. Congrats on the job. You are amazing.
    Keep going and take care! <3

  13. I’m so proud of you and your brother for how far you guys have come. Proud of you for all the moments you kept pushing even when things got extremely difficult, and proud of you for learning to choose to love and live for you each and every day! You got this!

  14. well
    family is not simple , it s the reason why i live alone
    you should take care of yourself first
    sometimes you need to express your feelings .
    i recommand you to writte about them and why not more leafs story . you will be more lighter . i hope you understand what i said 😅😅😅
    thank you for your job .
    i feel better when i read here

  15. Stay strong! Many say that family is everything but then what about yourself? I find it ridiculous when we have to think about others first before we think about ourselves. It might come off as selfish to many but how can we care for others when we are broken/going through internal struggles. Keep doing what makes you happy Leaf!

  16. 🙂 I learned this lesson when i was 19 finally . I was reading your story and hoping you would realise you are worth more than the situation you are in at any given moment. I am happy and proud of you for taking charge of your life, your self, and your happiness. You are doing great, better than most. Hold you head high.

  17. Good job for taking care of yourself, thank you for thinking of so many others while you were going through a hard time to bring them joy and happiness as well.

    I hope the best for you and for your relationship with your family. I understand what it’s like to love family, but not like the person they have become due to bad situations. I wish for success for you and everyone in your family so you can try to rebuild the relationship you want with them.

    THANK YOU LEAF

  18. I don’t normally comment because I always think I’ll say something stupid however I love this place (website). It’s become a habit checking it first thing in the morning after I woke up so at least for me you did give me a place to feel relieve and start my day happy.
    Love yourself Left and live more for yourself. In life even if you love your family and do everything for them sometimes they will just take it for granted your efforts and your sacrifices for them. Still we can’t stop loving them.
    Be strong, keep doing what makes you happy and I hope all your wishes came true, you deserve it.

  19. Thank you very much Leaf
    Congratulation on your new job
    I think my phone glitch and my heartfelt comment is not send…
    But it’s okay.
    I just want to say that, Leaf, I’m very thankful for all these years that you provided me with comfort and peace…
    I deeply appreciated you and very grateful for your hard work
    I hope that everything will be alright and that you’ll stay healthy and happy and safe and, ah, and, and and and
    AND! I love you!

  20. As a normally silent reader, i still want to say thank you today. The last 2 years have not been easy for me but your updates have always made my day. Thank you leaf and timeless team! No matter what path you will take in your life, the most important thing is that you are happy with it! Stay strong 🤍

  21. Dont often comment anywhere because of anxiety but i felt i wanted to reply to your story,
    Alot of people dont realise that depression is an illness. It’s not your fault, theres so many of us that suffer with it to varying degrees.
    There is always help if you reach out for it, it changes depending on what country you live in but things like lifeline, beyond blue etc that you can ring and speak to someone. Sometimes you just need to vent or get something off your chest, have a sounding board and sometimes even a little validation that what your feeling isnt crazy or abnormal.
    They can also give advice on where/how to get assistance where your living. Where i live there is even programs with the bank for getting out of domestic abuse or similar situations, they give money to help support you.

    Many people dont understand depression and just view it as being lazy or unmotivated. It is especially the case with the older generations and very tight knit family communities, some view it with shame and treat people suffering with it poorly and prevent them from getting help because they dont want their family to be viewed badly.

    Stay strong and congratulations on your progress
    Something i find that gives me something positive each day is to do ‘something’ to help yourself or someone else. Bit of extra kindness in the world and hope people pass it on.

    If what i wrote offends anyone, sorry. I rarely post or talk to people from social anxiety

  22. Congrats on ur new job. Work hard at it and if it doesn’t work out, there’s more jobs for u out there. Don’t be discouraged. Really happy u got the coding bootcamp. Wish u the best of luck and remember to apply for therapy if you can ( I say this bc it cost an arm n leg)

  23. Stay strong and true to yourself. You should be able to live the way you want and be happy with yourself rather than making others happy. Nobody can live your life for you so just trust your instinct. Preservation is the key to success. You will be ok 🙂

  24. Thank you for all your hard work even when you’re struggling. Thank you for sharing your history. It’s very inspiring and sad at the same time, but I’m glad you pulled through and stayed strong. Much love and appreciation!

  25. These past two years I’ve been going through depression and when I told my parents about it they said it’s my fault for being a failure. Every evening I come back here to read and relieve some stress. Now I’m on a self healing journey and whenever I feel like quitting I remind myself that if I quit now I’ll regret it later. Things may seem difficult when you are alone but you need to be persistent and keep moving forward. Thank you Leaf and Timeless team for your hardwork✊

  26. Thank you very much for all those years, thank you for making my days less stressful and for putting a smile on my face every single time I came here, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very very much.

  27. thank you for all the hard work you do on.from the bottom of my heart i appreciate you.i applaud you for going through all that and still be positive,you are a wonderful.:)

  28. Wow. You’re amazing. Be strong, sis! The more obstacle you face, the more mature you become. I’m sure there’s sunshine after the rain. Keep holding on.

  29. So you mean to tell me to TRY ALL THE BOOTCAMPS? THANKS, LEAF. Jokes aside. I’m happy for you. Even if I don’t know much about you. You overcame many difficulties and things are starting to better. Keep it up and good luck. This story was motivating, thanks.

  30. Thank you for loving yourself. Thank you for doing everything you can to make your life better. Thank you for thinking about everyone else before your own. And BIG THANK YOU for finding your way out from that hellhole. I am seriously appreciate your effort since a life is always undervalued. Everything happens let you grow into you now. And I hope your story can inspire someone else like you, like me.

  31. Leaf ah, you did right, timelessleaf is what I read in the morning to get me going. I appreciate your work.

    I wish you the best, thank you for everything.

  32. You are a strong person… There’s always light at the end of a tunnel… Stay strong… Stay positive… And yes, love yourself more 💓

  33. The ones that hurt us the most are the ones we love.
    Thank you leaf.
    Thank you for your time, for your eforts, thnak you for being.
    You helped me a lot with your works and you still do.
    As depressed person myslef I am really happy you are doing better.
    Wish you all the best

  34. You helped me to thank you and Jehovah is with you I’m a Jehovah witness and there are times he helps so I hope he can help you to \jw.org \ I hope you can see it yourself in a lauguge, you live with in you heart. I hope you can lean on him if times are tough

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